repetitive behaviors

I was thinking about the many ways we get trapped into repetitive behaviors that do not serve us. Traditional stories address this theme again and again. It seems that everything the hero does is done three times. “Three” in folk tale terms just means that the character is stuck.

Sometimes it doesn’t appear to be the same character but it is actually just different aspects of the same character. He has not yet shown his worth to begin the journey. In one story the eldest son goes off to find the water of life. He meets a man on the road and refuses to share his bread with him. The eldest son finds himself on his horse walking into a ravine which becomes a cleft in the mountain and eventually becomes such a tight squeeze that the rider can’t turn his horse around or even back up. He is stuck and suffers a cruel death. This happens all over again with the second son who also ends up stuck on his horse in a cleft on a mountain.

The youngest son goes out and he is able to break the chain of repetitive behaviors. He shares his food and the adventure begins! Breaking the chains of repetitive behaviors is challenging. It means that you are ready for the adventure that comes from interacting from a place of generosity of spirit. It shows the hero’s willingness to trust in the universe. Giving away a piece of your bread in a fairy tale is synonymous with giving away a piece of your ego. This is a big step.

For writing our own story, it is essential to recognize and name the ego part that has held you back and created repetitive negative events in your life.

Here are some examples of common ego stuck places.

People get stuck in

1. Needing to be right
2. Needing to win
3. Needing the other person to recognize that they’re wrong
4. Needing to be in control of what happens

But all of these motivations are about needing to escape scary feelings. We have volumes of scary feelings. Some of them are feeling humiliated, vulnerable or isolated. Everyone wants to feel validated. When I work with people on identifying their feelings, they easily recognize the big three, happy, sad and angry. It is always challenging to sit with those surface feelings and allow the underlying emotions as they rise to the surface. This challenge is the trick to having the insight needed to actually change our relationship with those fears and move forward with our story.

If you were, for example, and alcoholic, giving away your bread would be synonymous with the first of the 12 steps of Alcoholics anonymous. This is admitting that you have become powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable.

The hero needs to cement this new relationship with the ego because we easily slip back into old comfortable patterns. The hero needs to gift herself with recognition of the new pattern on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. This is where a personal ritual is effective. Alcoholics do this by attending a meeting and making a patterned statement. “Hello, my name is Mary and I am an alcoholic.” There are physical reminders of sobriety, a key chain, something a person will touch several times a day. There is a recognition of a “higher power” The pattern of the meetings are about engaging in the ritual. Thirty meetings in thirty days is the saying. The ritual needs to be repeated in order to stick in the mind, emotions and spirit of the hero.

Using traditional stories as a template for writing your own story provides clear examples of places in your story where the rituals are needed so that you can cement the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of your hero’s growth.

We Are a Storied People

We all need to make sense of our lived experience. from the earliest days of human development, we have told each other stories of what happened and what will happen. This process organizes our reality and links us with our concept of who we are. It links us to our place in space and time and in our community. A healthy story helps us to be our authentic self and grow through our trials with resilience and strength.

When we narrate our story, we can sometimes get stuck in patterns that create unhealthy self concepts. Sometimes our personal stories turn into a deep loss of our authentic self. Sometimes they become a testament to a perception of self that is dictated by a larger story. This kind of story is imposed into the psyche by families or cultures.

A common example of an imposed story is the one that tells (mostly girls) that their bodies are abnormal because they don't fit the privileged form of modern advertisers and media stars. people become compelled to fit into a skewed image and employ all kinds of unhealthy tactics that can end in death.

An unhealthy story comes from a couple of different places. Sometimes a person life experience is confusing and so chaotic that the story patterns and organization get lost in the chaos. Sometimes things happen to people during a time in their life when they are at a loss for words to describe the experience.

This holds true if the experience happened when the person was a child. As a child a trauma can be especially difficult to overcome because the youngster does not know what words to use to describe most encounters let alone chaotic and traumatizing ones.

This also happens with adult when the experience is so out of the ordinary that forming words around the situation seems impossible. An example of this might be living through the tornados that recently ran through my little county in Southwest Virginia. The devastation of so many homes and businesses is difficult to organize mentally because the sights and sounds feel otherworldly.

I use a system of templates to help people rewrite and organize their story. This helps them move forward and grow while identifying with healthy perceptions.

I plan to use this blog to describe the templates and patterns as I tweak and improve them throughout the next few months.